First Post

Well, i have now entered the modern age. I kept journals for years and still have them lying around somewhere, tatterered old books full of sanctimonious bullshit and self indulgent misery. Now that will all be public. I'm hoping it will lead to a further examination of myself, some maturation, and perhaps finding out that we all worry about the same shit and that I'm not as alien as i sometimes feel...or not.

I find myself again back at square one, i have to be a singer. That same painful place, that excruciating dream that wont leave me alone. 26 years old and so much wasted time throwing away my dreams, only having to dredge them up again, like bodies sunk to the bottom of some murky river. I tried to make that final decision years ago...

me: Lets just give up, you're not actually particularily good and you get terrible stage fright so you'll never be able to go anywhere with it.

me: But i really enjoy it, and i think it's what i'm supposed to do with my life.

me: Yeah, but it also stresses the hell out of you and it ends up being thoroughly UNENJOYABLE, then you flake out and stop wanting to jam...face it, you're not going to be some fucking rock star, you're just some wanker, just like everyone else.

me: Ok, phew! That's a relief actually, i don't have to do anything with my life now!!!

...But it wont leave me alone. I tried doing other things, i always wanted to play bass coz i always digged it and i thought it would allow me to be involved in music without being a front person coz i get so nervous and put so much pressure on myself, so i started learning bass and i loved it, but i knew it would only be a sideline so i lost motivation. I've always loved writing and have always written. You know, stories, poems, lyrics, the great novel you continuously start and never seem to get past the first four chapeters of, so i though "ok then, i'll just write" and i loved it, and i probably will pick it up again, but it's just not IT. It would be ok if i would never see another film about a musician, i could avoid that awful inspiration, that soul lifting instigation that leads to fear of failure. Unfortunately i am addicted to buying DVD's and i happened to buy a few on the Sex Pistols and ran into this character (see picture).

I was overcome with admiration...he's one of those people i've always tended to identify with; firm in their convictions, socially alienated, desire to speak clearly to the audience through their music, not neccessarily what is convertionally described as 'talented'...a rough diamond, a freak. I have the same feeling about Patti Smith, Nick Cave, Kurt Cobain, Blixa Bargeld as well as Tori Amos and Bjork but in a different way...they're both prodigies of a kind and, not being a prodigy myself, i can't really relate. I'm sure there are many, many more, but they don't come to mind right now.

So yeah, i now have to decide, again, what to do but, unlike the people i admire i am not strong in my convictions, i am weak and cowardly...I've spend my whole life running away, and i don't know how I'm going to be able to suddenly change that. My running away has gotten me in such a predicament that i now work in an office wearing a suit, how does one rip up that contract with Satan? It'll be like jumping off a cliff...emotionally speaking. And i have so many more issues...but I'll discuss those another time.

My partner, Jamie, is upset with me coz i said i needed to work with a band again (i had a big tantrum after trying to write electronic music again) and someone (probably) other than him. If you're reading this baby i want you to know that i do want to work with you, as well as do everything else with you. It's just that in a sense what i need is a backing band, a group of people who make music but have no designs upon it for lyrical content, a simple rock and roll band who just like to play music. You're a frontman yourself and although we can do songs where i play bass and we write some cool stuff you will never be that for me, as far as i can tell right now (if you disagree maybe i'm wrong, but i don't think so after the big creativity discussion we had that night).

Anyway, that's enough drivvel for now, i'm going to make us a gormet meal:

Fish baked in a yogurt, lemon, mint, dill and garlic sauce

with:

Corn on the cob covered with butter

and:

Warm cous cous salad with capsicum and spinich.

Until my next nervous break down,

Jess