Fuck you too Blogger

I just spent half an hour writing this massive entry and then tried to spell check, which brought up a pop up which i unblocked, and then i decided not to spell check and hit back, which took me to google for some reason and wouldn't let me get back to the page and i lost my post. After a pretty shit couple of days, which i wanted to spill my guts about in my blog, this was the last thing i needed!
Oh well, i'll summarise the entry in one sentence:
Fuck my family and fuck christmas!

Writing again...

I've just been writing for the last four hours doing some really difficult, emotionally complex scenes in the novel I'm working on. I've realised that some of my characters are still unpredictable for me, which is difficult but makes the process really interesting. I know quite clearly where the story is going for the next 50 pages or so, but it's still developing realtively spontaniously. I'm 50 pages in already and i'm only just finishing the character introductions and setting the scene, i know that sounds too long but I want the book to be indepth and not superficial, using stereotypical, predictable characters. It's 2:20am now and I feel thoroughly drained.
I've also been trying to do sketches of animals for a CG animation me and Jamie are thinking about using rats as the main characters. I was never too good at characatures or cartoons though, and didn't really strive to be good coz it never interested me much (i was always aiming for realism...or surrealism) so it's a real challenge. The biggest problem is the eyes, i think you have to change the eyes to make them more relatable as characters, but i don't want to change them so much they look odd (as my sketches are looking at the moment.) Oh well...
I'm so confused at the moment, i really want to achieve something in my life in terms of my creativity but my energies are so scattered coz i'm trying to do so many things at once. I can never seem to just commit to one thing and just finish it and...as stupid as this sounds...I feel like I'm running out of time and that i've wasted to much of my life. At 26, I'm probably too young to be feeling like this but i had so many expectations of myself when i was in my teens and none of them included working a 9 to 5 in an office wearing a suit...the story of so many lives, hey. I thought I'd be well on my way to something by my early 20's but i spent that time in a dead end relationship doing drugs and being depressed and crazy. They only good thing i achieved at that time was completing my degree, and i barely managed to do that. I only got back on the right track about two years ago..maybe less.
Enough of my moronic whining, onwards and upwards...
If it hadn't have been for Jamie I may never have picked any of this stuff up again...thank you sweet heart x

1st Wacom Sketch

This is my first sketch on Photoshop using the Wacom tablet...it's no Monalisa but hey, i haven't done much sketching on paper in the last few years and never really done it on Photoshop before. The reason i did this was to check the technology out and to see if i could actually draw anymore. My partner, Jamie the omnitalented, is learning 3d Animation at the moment and i'm going to have a go at doing painting on his 3d models, you know, colours and textures and stuff...sounds cool to me. If you work in a creative field you get to be yourself, unlike working in an office, and do creative things and get paid for it. Couldn't ask for much more, could you...
Eventually, with practice and lots of trail and error, we'll start making short animated films and maybe even a feature one day. We were trying to make a political documentary and got all the way to the editing stage, but now we're stuck...Hmmm, so many projects half completed...maybe i'll actually FINISH one some day.

T-Shirt on Cafe Press

This is the URL to the page for this T-Shirt
http://www.cafepress.com/johnnylies
On this site you will find shirts for men, women and children in a variety of designs, as well as other assorted things, like mugs.
This is what the design look like on on the women's baby-T.

Note on below design

The white areas around the flag wont appear this way on the t shirt as the t shirt will be white so it'll blend in evenly.

John Howard art piece

I make some graphic design stuff for T-Shirts that I sell on Cafepress, here's my latest work, the prime minister of Australia, John Howard, done "God Save the Queen" style with a swastika eye. I'll probably do a similar one with Tony Blair and George Bush when I find the time. I'll post the URL's to the shop with this and other designs on it at a more civilised time, I should be in bed already as I have work tomorrow and have to be up at 7am but hey...

More pics of John Lydon aka Johnny Rotten Sex Pistols era

First Post

Well, i have now entered the modern age. I kept journals for years and still have them lying around somewhere, tatterered old books full of sanctimonious bullshit and self indulgent misery. Now that will all be public. I'm hoping it will lead to a further examination of myself, some maturation, and perhaps finding out that we all worry about the same shit and that I'm not as alien as i sometimes feel...or not.

I find myself again back at square one, i have to be a singer. That same painful place, that excruciating dream that wont leave me alone. 26 years old and so much wasted time throwing away my dreams, only having to dredge them up again, like bodies sunk to the bottom of some murky river. I tried to make that final decision years ago...

me: Lets just give up, you're not actually particularily good and you get terrible stage fright so you'll never be able to go anywhere with it.

me: But i really enjoy it, and i think it's what i'm supposed to do with my life.

me: Yeah, but it also stresses the hell out of you and it ends up being thoroughly UNENJOYABLE, then you flake out and stop wanting to jam...face it, you're not going to be some fucking rock star, you're just some wanker, just like everyone else.

me: Ok, phew! That's a relief actually, i don't have to do anything with my life now!!!

...But it wont leave me alone. I tried doing other things, i always wanted to play bass coz i always digged it and i thought it would allow me to be involved in music without being a front person coz i get so nervous and put so much pressure on myself, so i started learning bass and i loved it, but i knew it would only be a sideline so i lost motivation. I've always loved writing and have always written. You know, stories, poems, lyrics, the great novel you continuously start and never seem to get past the first four chapeters of, so i though "ok then, i'll just write" and i loved it, and i probably will pick it up again, but it's just not IT. It would be ok if i would never see another film about a musician, i could avoid that awful inspiration, that soul lifting instigation that leads to fear of failure. Unfortunately i am addicted to buying DVD's and i happened to buy a few on the Sex Pistols and ran into this character (see picture).

I was overcome with admiration...he's one of those people i've always tended to identify with; firm in their convictions, socially alienated, desire to speak clearly to the audience through their music, not neccessarily what is convertionally described as 'talented'...a rough diamond, a freak. I have the same feeling about Patti Smith, Nick Cave, Kurt Cobain, Blixa Bargeld as well as Tori Amos and Bjork but in a different way...they're both prodigies of a kind and, not being a prodigy myself, i can't really relate. I'm sure there are many, many more, but they don't come to mind right now.

So yeah, i now have to decide, again, what to do but, unlike the people i admire i am not strong in my convictions, i am weak and cowardly...I've spend my whole life running away, and i don't know how I'm going to be able to suddenly change that. My running away has gotten me in such a predicament that i now work in an office wearing a suit, how does one rip up that contract with Satan? It'll be like jumping off a cliff...emotionally speaking. And i have so many more issues...but I'll discuss those another time.

My partner, Jamie, is upset with me coz i said i needed to work with a band again (i had a big tantrum after trying to write electronic music again) and someone (probably) other than him. If you're reading this baby i want you to know that i do want to work with you, as well as do everything else with you. It's just that in a sense what i need is a backing band, a group of people who make music but have no designs upon it for lyrical content, a simple rock and roll band who just like to play music. You're a frontman yourself and although we can do songs where i play bass and we write some cool stuff you will never be that for me, as far as i can tell right now (if you disagree maybe i'm wrong, but i don't think so after the big creativity discussion we had that night).

Anyway, that's enough drivvel for now, i'm going to make us a gormet meal:

Fish baked in a yogurt, lemon, mint, dill and garlic sauce

with:

Corn on the cob covered with butter

and:

Warm cous cous salad with capsicum and spinich.

Until my next nervous break down,

Jess